Hooded chap on train to his girlfriend: "This is house music. It's the best sort of music". Cue 20mins of bleating and wooping from his louder-than-life earphones. #fml

Shopping in Liverpool. Glad I brought my tranquilliser gun, but probably best to use it on myself.

When your boss tells you that you're going to the pub for opening time, you say yes. #doomed

Just seen the brilliant Slow Club at Union Chapel. Also learnt that pews are uncomfortable and that they give you water instead of wine at that thing they do... Mass...?

Christmas roast day! Let's eat and drink and yeah!

Whenever someone on TV is swimming underwater, I hold my breath too. I rarely make it out alive.

Just uploaded a special Xmas logo for Get It Loud In Libraries http://ping.fm/DzTi8

Say what you like about their medicinal benefits, I just take placebos for the taste.

Feel free to follow @love_libraries on Twitter - it should provide a nice stream of cool library events you'll probably love!

Just built http://ping.fm/Ye7YX to promote Libraries & their events in the build up to National Libraries Day (4th Feb). Get involved.

Ho ho ho.

If you need me I'll be in the pub. It's not a cause/effect relationship - my status remains immovable, regardless of yours.

my mood: delete *.*

busy rebranding marmosets as 'finger monkeys'

Rock fans are more susceptible to road rage, a new study has shown. Let's chalk that up as another reason not to drive.

Coding into the wee hours...

Ever want to correct graffiti spelling and punctuation in angry red pen?

IP address analysis to uncover potential breaches of competition etiquette... Good old Thursday; always something new.

Becs has decided that Mumraa the cat looks half duck, half rabbit. Question is: which half is which?

Is it flip flops weather? #WhereAreMyShoes?

Stuck in Swindon. Is this the price of inter-office co-operation? Count me out!

Digital day out in Cheltenham. Yes, we know where the good times are at... :)

TV listings tonight: 'Signed by Katie Price' and 'Dog Patrol' are on at the same time! Tough choice considering I thought they were the same

Has been watching a +1 channel on TV and is now late for work. Monday fail #1.

What untold terrors await me in the dark depths of the impending week?

I'm forming a drunk Wings tribute band called "band on the rum".

Can't strand having been overlooked on NME's cool list again. Gutted.

It's definitely not a deadline if it can still get up and wander around.

Christmas starts here. Our tree already has a colour scheme and a glittery theme after a day of decoration shopping. I'm knackered.

I've got that Friday Feeling. I feel a bit crunchie.

You know that thing where your life flashes before your eyes before you die? Isn't that... umm... life?

Has managed to get Paypal to recognise I exist, but doing something useful is the next challenge. The documentation doesn't give away much.

$mood;

Excited as a llama at a chewing contest.

Tramping in the cornflakes on Primrose Hill.

putting the 'stupid' into 'stupidendous'.

Trampoline: lubricant for homeless people.
Trampette: hobo dog.

Becs' birthday mosh this eve. Make a wish and blow out the Roman Candles...

Polygon: no parrots.
Polymath: more than one parrot.

Account handling feedback for this morning: "Can we make it look a bit different?"

Smashing pumpkins

Hellhounds next door are barking up a storm. What would be the natural enemy of dogs? Where do I get one?

Packing up for the night. I'd be so rich right now if I were paid overtime!

...oh, and a queue of about 15 people waiting to get in. They may as well have had a guest list.

Just thought I'd mention that there was a bouncer on the door of the costume shop at the top of Camden this evening. Rock and roll.

Trying not to address strangers as 'Earthling'

is an uncle!

Of course they're 3D glasses! They wouldn't fit my face otherwise.

Leaving work now... So, 16 hours? Brill. Not as long as my sister's labour is taking thou... Win?

It may be early, but in Hong Kong it's nearly midday and the World's Local Bank needs me... *yawn*

My allergy to peg legs? It's 'cos I'm lack-toes intolerant.

Still in the office waiting for files to be delivered. Office mouse is as unimpressed as I am.

The War Of The Stairs is escalating.

"How long will it take?" they ask.
I say "Two weeks & we'll need a freelancer."
"You have one, and no freelancer."
Why ask?

OMG! Watching Fun House on Challenge TV with Pat Sharpe. All hail the twins.

Get your F5 button limbered up: it's IOW Festival tickets time.

If a leaf falls in your path, it's lucky. If a tiger in the tree above you dislodged it, it's not.

The internet keeps going down in the office. Every time it does, I can actually feel my IQ slipping away.

Fact of the day: Patrick Moore's monocle is actually a high-powered micro telescope.

Sure I use Facebook, but I do it ironically.

To do: Fight fire, walk on water, affix moon to stick.

Just got hit in the face by a parrot at London Zoo.

According to my calculations, Sunday Mass is approximately 3.2kg

Rendered up a storm this eve: post boxes, vending machines, fire hydrants... now to make a dog jump over aforementioned street furniture.

The internet tells me Hong Kong is littered with fire hydrants. The internet also tells me to burn things. Shame we're not in Hong Kong.

Today I'm practising the psychic art of remote viewing to see what my hair looks like from the back.

I'd like to be in the line up on Never Mind the Buzzcocks, just so people can tell my music career is truly over... Y'know, make it official.

very disappointed that the office mouse hasn't made an appearance this evening. Bad form, old chap.

Nick Drake may have just saved an otherwise disastrous day. Again.

Why is there never a psychic around when you need one?

Listening to dogs barking and cats snoring.

The only kind of fun I'm interested in is the wrong sort.

Watching The Neverending Story. If you don't hear from me again, I'm probably still watching it.

Sunday written off, strangely not by hangover, but by work!

Sitting in the garden programming while simultaneously overseeing the baking in the kitchen. What are you doing with your Saturday?

"L if ego e son"? Well, Noah and the Whale, I can spell something too: W.T.F.

Gilgamesh was, as you may expect... Epic. Food was brill and the intricate wall panels were also quite a relief.

My sideburns have totally engulfed my face. When was the last time YOUR face hugged YOU?

oh, and I saw the new Thundercats series today, by the way. Totally triff' - find it and watch it.

I understand that the world must keep turning, but must it do so quite so violently?

Brian May on with My Chemical Romance. E.P.I.C. #ReadingFestival

Reading festival checklist:
One case of beer,
Another case of beer.

I'm in the Hospital club. Apparently it's a bar and not a euphemism for long-term illness.

Optometrist: a person who sees things positively.

I've got the gardener coming today. I don't think I'm ready to have a gardener, I don't even have a monocle yet.

Ladies: reduce the appearance of wrinkles with a simple application of vaseline...

...to my eyes.

Feral child next door communicates by barking and howling. It's not annoying at all.

What? I'm allowed to laugh: Purile and penile sound very similar.

I've been staring at the word "tree" now for so long that it's lost all meaning.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese...

So, she said "do you want an aperitif?" And I said "I've got a pair of teeth!" And oh, how we laughed.

New studio printer apparently prints 55 pages per minute. Seems a bit superfluous when my output is 55 pages per month.

If I wanted to do a web search using Bing, I'd go to Bing. If I want to search Facebook, I do not want Bing results! kthxbye.

This may be the booze talking, but clouds are frickin' ace!

My contribution to the work summer party/picnic (in the rain) is homemade quiche. "Homemade", it says here "in a factory in Bradford".

With the possible exception of the Sahara Desert, The Cave is the dustiest place on Earth. #movingHouse

I could never go out with a girl whose head was larger than mine. Sure, there'd be an attraction, but it would be gravitational.

Today I met Michelle Pfeiffer and built a sofa bed. Top that.

WWW.guardian.co.uk/uk/2011/aug/08/london-riots-blackberry-messenger-looting confirms my suspicion that anyone with a blackberry is in need of a lobotomy... #londonriots

I'm moved, I truly am... apart from the rest of my stuff.

Huh - just heard "swagger jagger"... why does the chorus have the same tune as "oh my darlin' Clementine"? - not impressed.

My hair is pretty wild today. It just bit a passing stranger.

Made the next train: its fast and gets in at the same time as my original one - Tim Burton has been vindicated.

Missed my train and I blame Tim Burton. It's about time he took responsibility for stuff going wrong in my life.

Been on set now down at Angel Bay - epic set! I also know a lot about fish canning now... More than I ever wanted... #darkShadows

When you get a lot of actors together, there's bound to be drama.

International beer day today! http://ping.fm/GkYjL - cheers!

Water on Mars? http://ping.fm/dtsSH

Things you have to learn the hard way: Cutting up chillis and subsequently removing contact lenses results in screaming like a little girl.

From the sublime to the ridiculous: just made a carrot pizza in the cave kitchen!

I don't think I'll let fame change me. I can hire people to do that.

Oh, and I had a coffee with Charlize Theron's face double this morning too. #livingTheDream

Just driving down "Goldfinger Avenue" on my way out of the studio. Which is the ejector seat?

Not going according to plan this morning - headed to pinewood, but the trains are against me! #darkShadows

Scene changed & costume fitting cancelled for #DarkShadows - at least that avoids the clash with my work summer party!

Cave sweet cave

This is quite exciting: http://ping.fm/67l9a - headed to Pinewood early Wednesday for costume fitting. My 2nd film with Depp...

Still in the North post-Kendal - brilliant festival, great acts on at the library stage and topped off with Blondie - mega t'riff!

#library stage at #kendalCalling gets going at midday - head down to the soap box stage and turn left, next to riot jazz!

is up too early - excited to be helping out at the library stage at #KendalCalling tomorrow... #getItLoudInLibraries

I'm commissioning a series called "Britain's Got Talons". Send in your pictures of your talons today...

No, you're not a Steam Punk, you're an idiot. Easy mistake, though.

Looks like the freezer is taking it's job way too seriously...

Don't be afraid, my face just looks especially large today.

Is it rude to laugh at people who pronounce the game title "L.A. Noyer"?

If the only way is Essex then how the hell do I leave?

How long since #glasto? Just noticed the band is totally uv funky... get your black light on't now!

I'm at southend-on-sea, in the rain, in Topshop, on Twitter...

My turn to cook: cranking the microwave all the way up to 11.

Is there any way I can get Mac fonts to work on Windows 7?

Anvil: blisteringly good.

Drum solo! #anvil

The Anvil Angel

Snout-bound on the Snorethern Line

ANVIL!

Bought a fairtrade coffee this morning; I gave them money, they gave me coffee - seemed pretty fair to me.

if($day == $shit){
$beer++;
} else {
$beer++;
}

Has a really bad recording from the cheap seats of Weezer covering Paranoid Android. Bet you can't wait!

Awaiting Weezer...

The Pimms is on, anyone for tennis?

...and in my wake I leave a trail of unsightly dna...

Rock/Roll (delete as appropriate)

Just accidentally discovered a new #toptip. Try raspberries after super spicy food - cools down a treat!

What do you do if you're a lost squirrel on Tottenham Court Road?

Whatever the weather, I shall be outlandishly and inappropriately dressed.

Your fish is my command!

Worried I'll spend my life seeking the best toilet experience. That shouldn't be a reason to go to work - unless you're a toilet attendant.

doesn't feel he is quite ready for work today, but at least they have nicer toilets and I can catch up on my sleep. #glasto

Morning #glasto! Brilliant day yesterday with Radiohead, vaccines and primal scream. Wearing a tiger suit now.

Has eaten too much angel delight.

Monkeys wonder: http://ping.fm/M8WgA bees worry: http://ping.fm/gRDIj - next they'll be saying that it's not only humans who have souls or go to heaven!

The door keeps opening and closing of its own volition and I, like a mug, keep looking. Don't encourage inanimate objects to annoy. #toptip

If it's not on Wikipedia I don't believe it.

New contact lenses: I feel like I've just upgraded my eyes to HD. I can't wait for the next generation of 3d eyes!

has accidentally been using '£' instead of '$' in all his variables. Some kind of subconscious Imperialism seems to be going on in my head.

Every superhero has his Achilles heel or his kryptonite. Mine is rain. Not that it kills me, I just don't like it.

Just had a call from my agent. I have the same dimensions as Derren Brown - I could be his stand-in if I had short hair, apparently.

At the train station, dressed like a loon, eating pizza and generally freaking out commuters. I Rule.

I hate to be rash, but I think I'm allergic.

in a word: urgh.

at CERN they've been experimenting with a machine to smash atoms of pineapple, rum and coconut together. They call it the pina collider.

Pigeon in the building. Best day ever.

I'm very pro crastinating

tonight is a night for trashy action films. Guns, explosions, flimsy plots and gratuitous amounts of... whatever.

Bahahaha! http://ping.fm/YJUxj

"...and the wolf huffed and puffed and blew the house down, but he was only meant to blow the bloody doors off"

is having depth issues with virtual fuzzy felt... I'm sure some things just shouldn't be digitised.

Brighton plan abandoned, next stop: Southbank!

they call me Riley two-ties... probably.

at the ENO for Terry Gilliam's interpretation of The Damnation of Faust...

#glasto ticket arrives tomorrow!

Sweeping statement of the day: "Arabs prefer birds over kittens"

hmm... maybe I'm a DVD extra...? #POTC4

awaiting my film debut ay the Imax #POTC4

kicking out the jams - I'm more of a marmalade kinda guy.

just seen Takashi Miike's 13 assasins - like Ocean's 11 with swords...ish - followed by sushi. Japanese #winning

a dermatologist told me I should work at improving my T-zone, so I bought a new kettle.

Ant bait: genocide never tasted so good! (tm)

I'm sorry that it's come to this, but either the ants go, or my sanity does...

not that I want to admit to Eurovision watching, but the Jedward car crash is the reason we need to invent the memory wipe.

scabby.

random animation from this morning: Mr. Spider. http://ping.fm/LD8GW

a Millwall supporter just told me I have girl's hair. Deeply cutting.

went for a 5mi run this morn and then had to have a 3 hour sleep to recover. 'mi' is short for minute.

is experiencing Brownian Motion, if you know what I mean...

Listening to Rilo Kiley and wondering: "if I were perhaps a little smaller I could be Kilo Riley"

I've just been told to avoid steroids. Luckily there's no carpet on the stairs to require them.

swarm of bees on Oxford Street!

all of human knowledge and experience has arrived here at this moment: jaeger bomb.

seize a salad

THE ANTI-CRAWL IS HERE! GET YOURSELVES TO CAMDEN FOR 2!

did I miss something? someone getting married today?

bwwrrwwALLbrrwwbbbrrrwwwHAILrrrbbeewrrTHEsrrwwewrHYPNOTOADrberrwwssbbrr

what part of "I am a shark" don't you understand?

just been caving. I like caves.

in The Friary in Lancaster - it's huge! Repurposed as a proper place of worship!

Wherever I go in the world, I always seem to end up in an O'Neills pub...

Southport has lived to regret me... Now it's Liverpool's turn. Wish it luck!

An idiot up North

Is The North ready for me? Too late North, time's up.

This day only needs beer to make it the best day ever... but I say that everyday.

is laundering money... and anything else I forgot to take out of my pockets.

Never mind Dudley Moore, I'm rolling in MY grave over Russell Brand in Arthur... Try and get lost a little closer to the moon than NY, ta.

Watch out for sharks on the tube: Saw my Sea Life escalator panels on the tube yesterday. Woop! Next up: penguins.

in terms of complexity, the fractal is only surpassed by the exit system at Old Street tube. Please send a search party.

Lineup, lineup. Exciting times. http://ping.fm/HFbiR

Rise of the Planet of the Apes http://ping.fm/gX3cC EeeeEEeeee!

from the cave kitchen: quorn & kidney bean vegetable enchiladas. That's Mexican for 'I rock' #manCooking

socks are thin on the ground

In the battle of the card games, there can be only Uno

having only seen pictures, its impossible to conclude anything other than that The Gym is an updated medieval torture chamber.

lounging in the sunny Russell Square with my fellow Earthlings. Not a bad planet at all.

political views and brain structure: vote stupid - http://ping.fm/55sWF

Sometimes, I squeeze the toothpaste at the top #rockandroll

interesting casual gaming in online ads talk & kinect stuff... now to play games!

at Microsoft HQ in Victoria drinking beer and awaiting a gaming seminar. I rule.

Ukelele in Glee? I'm such a trend-setter.

and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like "you look fertile. What's the gestation period for humans?"

a healthy dose of blisteringly loud Hawaiian shirts is sure to make the sun show it's sorry face in shame.

presumably veggie foods are in the "meat free" section just in case you change your mind.

just paid the balance on my #glasto ticket. Cautiously eyeing up Reading now...

Up early, but not early enough to catch Twitter snoozin'. Next time, Twitter.

drinking very very cheap Maltese wine brought back from Gozo's capital. If I'd recently swallowed paint, this would be the cure. #toptip

say what you like about Internet Explorer, it certainly makes life more interesting (I hate interesting).

Focus. Hocus pocus. in the office. #winning

why are you at work when you could be frolicking in the daffodils?

learning 'Wish you were here' on the Ukelele. Baffling.

fashionunable

saw 'Submarine' last night. Fantastic nostalgic poke at awkward teenage years... now, where's my hipstamatic.

Outrageous statement of the day: "Hitler invented Mother's Day."

if you don't like The Strokes, you are not just an enemy of me, but of music itself #philistines

http://ping.fm/s5rXf ukelele action from the Ed-Vedster. Yeah.

I am super chunk. No more food or wine for me... Apart from tonight.

I'm going to eat chocolate! I'm going to eat chocolate! I'm going to eat chocolate! - malteaser

I'm going to Malta! I'm going to Malta! I'm going to Malta! - maltease.

triangles taste better.

You want another sandwich? It's my round.

just to clear things up: I'm not a hippy.

waking at the kraken dawn

is creating the sl-app; a mobile game where you have to hit someone as hard as you can with your phone. It takes a photo or video on impact.

Any excuse to wear an eyepatch...

Reasons I'm not religious no.84: Lent. I'm not giving up anything for anyone. My vices define me.

It's gonna be a good Christmas...

it is an ex-christmas tree... it's pining for the fjords.

it's less a downward spiral; more a helter-skelter.

in a tow truck!

7 friends in a cabin in the countryside with a jeroboam of wine. what can go wrong?

has now entered Essex: Cinderella pink pumpkin carriage at the side of the motorway

is beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.

"The dark forces of evil are running a good service today between Morden and High Barnet"

has never had great things to say about Facebook's design, but admits that their lightbox scroll mechanism is quite nice.

Why whine when wine wins?

Post-it(TM) - The Disposable Drinks Coaster.

Listen up, yo: "Lack of effort from the part of the author is not an acceptable reason for omitting the 'alt' attribute."

oh, did I mention it was an Arabic RSS feed?

last week Welsh, this week banners in Arabic... We like a challenge, we do.

's perpetual motion device is wagging it's tail with glee at the new office surroundings!

Oxo cubes make pretty much anything taste good. Yeah.

is in a 'night club' which is in many ways dissimilar to Rolf's Cartoon Club.

is making a bilingual Welsh/English banner, which still has to be coded in American.

So you're a robot from an ultra-developed planet far from our solar system? And you can transform into... erm... a cassette tape?

Magnetic Man sound like a hedgehog tied to a brick being tumbledried #nmeTour

just witnessed the magnificent Vaccines and awaiting the eccentric Everything Everything #nmeTour

...and on the 8th day he had some spare bits left over so made a bunch of uniquely adapted organisms on Madagascar.

you know that when I have a PP3 in my hand that I mean business.

hippy bath day

at Scalable, awaiting Bright Eyes... eeee.

has anyone heard the expression "you're flying low"? Internet, I need your expertise.

Today we have been learning about Peter Cullen, whose voice over work is an A-Z of my childhood TV watching http://ping.fm/WY7gm

#mcr hint at festival.appearances this year...

killjoys, make some noise.

interesting fact: 40% of 12-14 year olds are talker than Riley #mcr

thankfully, there are some people here older than I... accompanying their daughters. #mcr

I don't doubt My Chemical Romance are popular, but I can't remember the last time I went to a gig alone!

collect the down of a thousand baby birds,
tear the velvet curtains down from all the churches,
make you a nest for you to lay yourself down

So long, sanity! It was nice gnoming you!

if anything can save me now, it's Bust-a-move on my Android's SNES emulator.

I don't mean to boast, but I have a really big head.

when multi-tasking, "bleeding" should never be considered to be one of the tasks.

Damn The Man! Save the Empire!

I'm having one of those mornings where you just can't get out of bed. Could someone untie me please?

just lost my faith in the power of American TV shows...

Did anyone follow the Superbowl? Did anyone score a perfect 300?

can't take anyone who uses Hotmail seriously.

Google Art Project: Go now! http://ping.fm/iQhhh

is at the Museum of London being all cultural and stuff.

pavlovian conditioning: washng your hair with meringue

The internet's full, log off and get a real hobby: http://ping.fm/Osalk

oops, link: http://ping.fm/JqWpV Phillip Pullman on library cuts.

Phillip Pullman on library cuts

d'ya know the best thing about having no responsibility? The amount of denial that goes into it.

Brillo Pants.

trounced some 13 year olds at laser tag yesterday. Top gun, bitches.

infinity and beyond... http://ping.fm/LZlfB

http://ping.fm/poZW6

free soup win.

in the ongoing battle of Riley Vs. Spammers: Riley is winning. Yes, that's right. I eat spam for breakfast.

Urgh. Just tipped my keyboard upside down. It's like the bleedin' Temple of Doom between those keys.

is in a very small room waiting for the Guillemots (band not birds).

you know the meeting was a success when you have to Google what it was about afterward.

Advice to the Kings of Leon: The cigarette is for AFTER.

Just saw an advert to buy Twitter followers. Scientology never had it so good.

There's no point claiming to have the biggest head in the world unless you can support it with the biggest neck.

has gained a new laptop, but lost the respect of his credit card forever.

There are no sadder words in all of the English language than "Time, please."

wandering around the British Museum, I start to get the impression that a lot of the ancient Greeks had no heads.

The eyes used to be the window on the soul. We now have status updates.

MySpace just recommended Taylor Swift to me when I searched for Brother. Damn right you're still in beta.

one of those clear, crisp mornings that makes it easier to pretend life isn't a computer-generated simulation

Drinking: know your limits. Hint: it's directly related to your overdraft.

An artist shouldn't have to suffer for his work (unless he's really bad)

under the star sign changes, it turns out I still couldn't give a shit.

is not allowed to play this DVD on oil rigs. That's the weekend ruined.

IS A BIT SHOUTY!

just back from watching the 'pilot' of the 10 o'clock show being recorded. Shame my giant head won't be making your screens (weep) tonight.

Biggles on a Boris Bike

so what if I'm shallow? At least I'm hotter than you.

No more running about shouting! I call to order the first strategy meeting for Anarchists Anonymous. Who's taking minutes?

Love this short: http://ping.fm/NOEqx

if there's one constant in life, it's Ferris Beulah impressions in the shower.

vivid dreams of suburban sainsburys, Bruce Willis and Skeletor. Dreamer's Dictionary THAT.

POTENTIAL ADVISORY: IMPLICIT CONTENT

is slightly worried he'll need a concave cut-out into his desk to accommodate his post-festivity pregnancy. #backToWork

when you have a face as large as mine, Clean Shaven is not an option.

has not got his phone with him - any messages email, fb or Bat Signal!

new year/old habits. new habits/old year.

not that they're a client or anything, but the London eye looked great at this new years festivities and maybe you should take a ride!?